This is the House That Doubt Built.

So it is #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth and I want to talk about my mental health struggles. When I was 15 or 16 I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. I was trying out for the high school softball team and had a panic attack. Now you may be thinking, ummm that is a high stress time and it's kinda normal. Well I had my panic attack 2 days after I made the team. So that was kinda strange. I started going to therapy because of that and because it was court ordered through my parents divorce.

My main discussion for this post is how it affects me now. Sometimes I get myself wound up to the point where I want to puke. But my family has become adept at talking me down from that. In my professional world, I am always concerned if I am doing the best for my students and if I am supporting my colleagues to the fullest extent I can be. This can be hard to juggle for any new teachers but my little pal makes this a little more difficult. Sometimes I read people wrong because I jump straight to the worst possible conclusion. If someone doesn't say "good morning" to me, depending on the day I might immediately think I've done something to upset them. That's anxiety. In reality, they were deep in thought about their own day and literally had no issues with me. Anxiety is a little seed of doubt that is always with me. When I graduated college I couldn't fully enjoy my day because I had a little seed thinking that all my professors passed me because I was annoying and not because I was a good teacher. I understand that I am being irrational sometimes, and I do NOT always live in that reality that anxiety has created but from time to time I end up visiting.

I want everyone out there who has an invisible illness that you are not alone. I am afraid to post this because in some places this could cost me my job. I am not mentally unstable and a danger to anyone but there is a stigma attached to the diagnosis. If you ever want to tell me about your mental illness's "reality" that you visit sometimes, please do. I have plenty of stories of my own so you won't feel alone. There is no shame in owning who you are and also no shame in getting help if you can afford it. If you can't there are cheaper online resources to at least get you on a path to a better place. Will my anxiety ever go away? No probably not. Would I like it to? Most of the time yes, but sometimes it gives me a way to sit back and laugh at myself which I think is important.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am metaphorically sitting in front of you and I too suffer from something no one else can see.

#punk #adaytoremember #metal #anixiety